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Thursday, February 11, 2010
THE HISTORY OF CHEATING SPOUSES!
It always amazes me when so-called marriage experts know
how many men and women cheat on their spouses. One study says 55% of married women and 60% of married men
engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their marriage while other studies say something completely different.
Statistics are like Pamela Anderson’s boobs, they’re not real. And how do these so-called experts
arrive at their statistics? They sample 300 couples and make it sound like they’ve interviewed the entire married population.
Being a proletarian sociologist, my findings are more accurate. I predict that 8 out of 10 married
people, male and female, will cheat on their spouses when the timing is right. And to take my findings one step
further, I say that 10 out of 10 lawyers will cheat on their partners for no other reason than they're lawyers.
Let me make it perfectly clear, I don’t advocate infidelity! But without it, marriage would be boring.
To get a better understanding of cheating spouses, let’s look back at the beginning of marriage two thousand years
ago.
The Goldberg’s, Sol and Fran, lived in the next cave from the Johnsons. One day while Sol Goldberg
went into town to open a money market account, Frank Johnson, the handsome young next door neighbor lied to his wife
Maria that he wanted to show-off his new wheel to Sol’s wife Fran. The next thing you know Frank and Fran were having
sex on a sheet of slate. And that was the beginning of cheating spouses.
As rumors spread, all the married
people in town were eager to try this new diversion. But there was a problem – an attorney named William Divorce said,
"Cheating on your spouse was prohibited by God’s law!" Thou shall not commit adultery and volunteered to represent
Sol to disengage himself from his wife Fran. Although disappointed that Fran cheated, Sol did not want to divorce his young
beautiful wife because he was working for Fran’s father who owned Gapsteins Department Store. But William Divorce
was insistent and told Sol, “I can get you the two bedroom cave and a share of your father-in-law’s
business.” Sol reluctantly agreed and hired Divorce.
Sol won in cave court and became the first
husband to get a legal disengagement, which later became known as a divorce, in honor of Sol’s attorney, William Divorce.
So can we ever stop married people from cheating? No! What’s the solution? There is none! And what
ever happened to Sol Goldberg?
His ex-father-in-law died and Sol renamed Gapsteins to the Gap.
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